Book #87: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

I feel like I've officially reached boring adulthood when I willingly read parenting books and find them interesting. Soon I'll be going to sleep at 9 and ranting about junk food in the house! (Wait... already kind of doing those things . . .) My sister-in-law Lindsay sent me this book early this year after she read it for her kids and really enjoyed it. I finally got around to reading it, because I figured that Dane is a TALKER and it can't hurt to learn about good habits to get into with him.

I feel like this book really is an excellent resource. Although it really is aimed at parenting older children, ones who you can really argue with and need to help work through problems with, I definitely can see how useful it will be even for me. Each chapter is focused on a different aspect of communication with your child, from acknowledging their feelings to avoiding punishments to encouraging independence in your child. And each chapter has specific steps you can/should take while communicating with your kids--so it is much more doable and possible than just reading general vague ideas or theories. There are short comics that exemplify the lessons discussed, to make it easy to visualize how it will work. And honestly, all of the suggestions seem really, really useful. Most of them seemed aimed towards preventing fights and blow-ups between kids and parents, and allowing both sides to recognize and express their feelings and still keep things civil. I already have caught myself doing some of the "bad" things, like denying Dane's feelings (like if he says he's sad, I might say, "No you're not!"), so it's good to keep these in mind. I don't imagine I will implement these very easily, but I'm glad I have the book to keep around as a resource, because I am sure I will want to revisit it often as Dane and other kids get older.

A quick example: in the chapter on helping kids deal with their feelings, the steps listed are:
1. Listen quietly and attentively.
2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word. (Like "Oh . . . I see . . .")
3. Give the feeling a name. ("That sounds frustrating!")
4. Give the child his wishes in fantasy. ("I wish we could do that right now!")

According to the many, many examples and role-plays in the book, this is a great way to get your kid to talk our his or her feelings instead of for you to try and "fix" what is going on immediately and make them frustrated, etc. This was a great chapter. Also, I really liked the ideas on how to get your kid to cooperate with you and avoiding punishment--those are also really, really useful and I am sure we will need them one day (they're still a little advanced for the stage we are currently in).