Book #28: A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf

I started reading Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf and somehow it made me want so badly to revisit A Room of One's Own, which I read as required reading in English in high school, so I set that one down halfway to finish this one. I don't know why I wanted to read it again, since I didn't like it very much when I originally read it--I remember feeling like I was dragging to get through the few chapters assigned for reading each week and trying so hard to keep my attention. But this time, I think, since I have much more of a background and understanding of feminism and women's rights and Life with a capital L--not that I am well-versed in any of those things, but definitely more so than when I was 16--it was extremely interesting to me to read and I felt thoroughly absorbed in the major points that Woolf was making throughout the book. It's only 113 pages, so its length makes it easy to read and not to be intimidated by, but it includes a very good overview of Woolf's opinion of why women haven't written as much as men, and what women need to do in order to produce art like men have done over the centuries. So much of it seems almost commonplace or obvious now, but I think that is because of Woolf herself and the impact her writing and her thinking--and those of others in her generation--has had on us today.

Basically, Woolf's thesis is this: women must have an independent source of income, and a room of their own, in order to be able to produce good writing. That seems representative to me of the idea that art cannot be produced when the author is slaving away to provide the necessities of life, or when they are being distracted and taken away from their work by the demands of everyday life. So artists must be above those things--but women never have been throughout the ages. Women have been bearing children and taking care of those children and have been traditionally impoverished and at the mercy of their (commonly abusive) husbands for millennia, so it is no wonder that they have been unable to produce art like Shakespeare's in the time of Shakespeare. Because of this reality of women's circumstances, they also have a paucity of female authors as a heritage to trace back to or lean on as they write their own works, which are separate from the tradition of male writers. And many women who do write get caught up and twisted in their anger about their lack of freedom and abilities, which detracts from their finished products because they are writing about their anger instead of about their story. "Her books will be deformed and twisted. She will write in a rage where she should write calmly. She will write foolishly where she should write wisely. She will write of herself where she should write of her characters. She is at war with her lot" (69-70). So women who want to write well--she holds up Jane Austen as one of the only women who has done this successfully--need to write of their stories and not of their grievances, and cannot think about their gender as they write. Writing about your gender (as a male or a female) only brings up anger and the need to justify yourself.

I thought it was interesting how in a few places Woolf makes it very clear that she is not advocating for women to become exactly the same as men--equals, yes, but genderless, no.  "It would be a thousand pities if women wrote like men, or lived like men, or looked like men, for if two sexes are quite inadequate, considering the vastness and variety of the world, how should we manage with one only? Ought not education out to bring out and fortify the differences rather than the similarities? For we have too much likeness as it is . . ." (88). This stood out to me because it seems like many people in our society have taken this to the opposite extreme (like the recent law which passed in the Senate to have women sign up for the draft). Woolf celebrates the differences between women's and men's writing and doesn't wish to see the decline of one, rather the increase of another which would complement both--and this applies not just to writing, but to all aspects of both genders. Woolf is not very sympathetic to mothers bearing children--she seems to be of the view that having babies is a necessary evil which is important to populate the earth but which detracts from the ability of women to reach their full potential. At the end of her lecture, she cautions the young women in her audience that they should no longer be having ten or twelve children like previous generations but instead only two or three. I obviously do not agree with her viewpoint on this--that children are just detracting from women reaching their full potential--but I think it is obvious that when women are having lots of babies, they are obviously spending their time elsewhere than being able to write the Next Great American Novel (or British, or whatever).

(I feel the irony of writing about this right now because in the middle of writing this, I had to stop and help clean up a poopy accident, a mothering distraction which Woolf would have despaired of.)

Book #27: The Children of Noisy Village by Astrid Lindgren

I feel like I saw this book a few different places while I was looking into finding some chapter books I could read aloud with Dane. I figured that he was probably getting to the point where he could handle a longer story and that he doesn't need pictures to keep his attention any more. I saw this recommended as a good book to read with kids, and since it was written by the author of Pippi Longstocking, I knew it would be a fun read for him. I am SO happy that we read it. It was so cute--it reminded me a lot of the Rainbow Valley book from Anne of Green Gables, with each chapter being an individual story about these kids and their adventures they get up to. There are six kids who all live in three houses next to each other, and everyone calls their little row of houses "Noisy Village" because there are so many children who get up to mischief. Each chapter was only 5-6 pages long and had sweet, fun details about what sorts of things Lisa (the narrator) and her brothers and friends got up to.

This was a perfect, super fun book to read aloud with Dane. We laid on the bed and read 2-3 chapters a day, and he stared up at the ceiling listening and picturing what was going on. He totally absorbed it all and has been calling us "draggletail" from one of the chapters. I loved, loved, loved doing this with him and I cannot wait to read more books with him like this. We ordered this and the sequel from Amazon because just borrowing it from the library is not enough. And I decided I am going to write about them here on this blog so that I can remember what chapter books we read together so I can remember for reading with later kids too.

Book #26: North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell

I have loved Elizabeth Gaskell ever since I discovered her five years ago, but I don't think I've re-read this book since then (I liked Wives and Daughters more, which I think I'm going to re-read soon too!). North and South tells the story of Margaret Hale, who is uprooted by her father's crisis of conscience, when he leaves his profession as a pastor and they move from rural southern England to the industrial town of Milton in the north. At first, Margaret is prejudiced against the tradespeople of their new town and hates their new hometown, but the more she gets to know the people, both rich and poor, and the more she learns about their town and the way things work, the more she learns to appreciate it. She meets Mr. Thornton, one of the owners of a cotton factory, and he naturally falls in love with her despite her initial disdain and they have an up and down relationship that lasts throughout the book--until the final resolution in the last two pages.

This book is clearly a social commentary on the change and upheaval going on in their time during the Industrial Revolution in England, but it is also a great romance--two genres that don't seem to be readily mixed. Obviously most readers are probably more interested in the romantic aspects of the story, and I felt like a lot of the discoursing on the different classes and the differences between masters and men could have been condensed and still kept its value. I skimmed a lot of the seriously long paragraphs where it was clear they were only going on more and more about the economy of Milton or arguing about strikes--I felt like I got the gist of it, but I wanted to get to the good stuff. I loved Margaret as a character--the book uses a lot of words like "haughty" to describe her, but I don't get that sense at all. She seems clear-headed and brave and not afraid of people's opinions, all of which I like. Mr. Thornton is an awesome romantic hero--he loves Margaret, proposes to her, she rejects him, and he vows to continue loving her despite knowing she doesn't like him. (It's seriously the same love story as Pride and Prejudice, just with the added social commentary and socialist viewpoints thrown in.) The moments we get from his perspective are definitely heart-throbbing in his love for Margaret. I actually watched the BBC version of the book before re-reading it this week, and it was fun to compare the book-character with what I remembered from the movie; the endings are completely different and both very romantic and satisfying to me as the reader/viewer.

I don't have any more deep thoughts about this right now--I'm trying to finish this fast before Skyping with my family. But it was the perfect book to read this week while Tommy was gone. I love it.

Book #25: Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown

Well, I hit 25 books before halfway through the year, so at least maybe I'll read 50 books this year! Haha. I don't know if I will ever make it up to 100 books again. But I feel like my reading less is perhaps an example of me living the "essentialist" lifestyle that McKeown is espousing in this book. Basically the book is promoting a lifestyle where we get rid of all the nonessential distractions that are making us too busy, and focus on living and working in a way towards our most important and beloved goals and purpose. McKeown spends some time detailing what being an "essentialist" really means, what are some of the things an essentialist must do/value, and what processes we can use to focus on only doing what we truly want. These are some of the most important points that stood out to me:

- Almost everything is nonessential. I think this is very true.
- If you don't prioritize your life, someone else will. He tells some excellent stories that exemplify this. You need to decide what your boundaries and priorities are, and stick to them.
- You cannot do it all. There are trade-offs for everything. If you want to add a new opportunity, something else will suffer.
- "If it isn't a clear yes, then it's a clear no." If you can't say with 100% certainty that you want to do something, then you shouldn't be doing it. Learn to say no gracefully if you're being asked to do something you don't want to do.

I read this book feeling the whole time like, "Yes, mmhmm, yep, I agree." They all seemed like great points, but none of it felt all that earth-shattering to me. Maybe that means I am already living a pretty essentialist lifestyle--which I think may be true. Being a parent of small children has meant that I have learned to remove the temptations to do things which sound like they may be fun (a day-long outing to downtown Dallas?) which would not make my life easier, and I have learned to consciously thrust aside many of the voices which say I should be doing lots of other things and trying to cause me mom-guilt. Like McKeown says, almost everything is nonessential. On any given day, I don't have to do anything other than keeping my boys happy and me sane. Of course, I have other things I want to do--projects for me, learning for the boys--but if they don't happen or if it's going to cause me stress, then we won't do it. I think there are probably lots of ways I could be more focused on prioritizing, and this book and How Will You Measure Your Life? have both made me want to actually verbalize those priorities and start taking steps to deliberately be working on them.

Book #24: Death Comes to Pemberley by P. D. James

Personally, I'm a little surprised I hadn't read this book yet. I feel vaguely like I'd heard of it, but never was all that interested in it. But I actually really enjoyed it, especially the mixing of Jane Austen with the mystery genre. To briefly summarize: the Darcys are getting ready for a ball to be held at Pemberley when they find out that there has been a murder committed on their property. The murder involves Wickham, who was coming to drop Lydia off to visit (unannounced and uninvited) at Pemberley and he is arrested as the main suspect, although none of the main characters believe it is him. The book follows the trial and decision of whodunit. Most of the book follows Mr. Darcy, as Elizabeth wasn't very involved in a lot of the legal stuff, but we do get a bit from her perspective too.

I loved the post-Pride and Prejudice timeline, so we got a look into Darcy and Elizabeth together and what their life is like (very happy, don't be worried). I loved getting a look into all our favorite characters and seeing how they are getting along six years into the future; even Mary has gotten married to a preacher! I had just read the Fitzwilliam Darcy, Gentleman trilogy so it was a little jarring to read these two alternate takes on the story. I especially liked some of the insights into the questions that P&P left hanging--like the fact that Elizabeth believes that Charlotte was jealous of her and was the one who leaked Darcy's interest in her to Lady Catherine (which spurred her visit to Elizabeth). Oh, and the fact that Mrs. Younge was Wickham's half-sister! I thought those were some of my favorite parts. I also liked how a few places tied the story to other Jane Austen books--like Wickham worked as a secretary to Sir Walter Elliot and a baby was sent to live with Robert and Harriet Martin (although sometimes it was done a little clumsily; it wouldn't be natural to give all that much detail about very random people in normal conversation).

There were a few things that seemed very unlikely and unbelievable. Like why did Darcy concern himself so much with Wickham's outcome? He was super invested in making sure he wasn't convicted of being the murderer. Why? What was his concern? He hated Wickham. It seemed to go far beyond what I would expect of him. Also, I kind of saw most of the plot twists coming (like who the actual murderer was, and whose baby it really was of the cottagers'), which never ever happens, which means either I am getting better at this whole mystery-reading thing, or this book was way too obvious. So the main enjoyment of this book was the P&P tie-ins more than the mystery itself.

Book #23: How Will You Measure Your Life? by Clayton M. Christensen

This book really resonated with me. I don't know why I picked it up in the first place, but, like many people, I enjoy inspirational self-help books and this one is on a higher plane than most other "quick fix" self-help books. Christensen (and his co-authors) argue that getting specific suggestions for how to improve our life is not the way to become better; we need to gather theories on what works based on observation and experiences gathered from large sets of data. And that is what he has done with his business work, and he suggests that many of the theories that apply to making a business successful can also be made more specific to us as individuals, which is what he does very successfully in this book. He tries to tailor his advice to three questions, things which he has seen many of his business colleagues and students struggle with over the decades: How can I be sure that:
1. I will be successful and happy in my career?
2. My relationships with people become an enduring source of happiness?
3. I live a life of integrity--and stay out of jail?

All of the chapters have individual theories that he explains how they apply to businesses and also to us as individuals. The first few chapters are about being successful and happy in your career, which are very important but not super applicable to me, so I didn't focus too much on those. But I really liked the chapters about relationships with your family.

• One section that really stuck with me--because it says exactly the same thing that I have been thinking about lately about parenting and why being a stay-at-home mom is so important to me--was when Christensen talked about the problems some companies experience when they outsource one part of their business, and then another, and another. They eventually lose the competencies that they once had and don't have any control over their business any more. He makes a parallel between this issue and outsourcing our parenting to outside activities and other people. So many people these days sign their kids up for numerous activities and their kids basically are doing everything outside of the home (not to mention that they're not doing any WORK inside the home any more). So all of the learning that children are doing is being done with the parents not being involved. And therefore, when they learn, they often learn from people that the parents don't even know--and eventually, all of the children's priorities and values and understanding of the world has come from all outside sources and none of it from the parents themselves. He says, "If you find yourself heading down a path of outsourcing more and more of your role as a parent, you will lose more and more of the precious opportunities to help your kids develop their values--which may be the most important capability of all" (138-139). I have been thinking so much about this lately!! I feel so proud of myself for being on the same wavelength as Clayton Christensen, although he was able to use language to articulate it that I have been struggling with. But the older Dane gets, and the more sponge-like he becomes, the more I realize that this is so true and so important--and I imagine it only becomes more important the older they become (and into teenage-hood). 
• He also makes the point that many people try to build their resume for work by checking boxes off a list--instead of trying to build skills and competencies that will allow them to truly succeed at their goals for the future. This is something we need to work at as parents as well. What skills and capabilities do we want our kids to have? We need to provide experiences and opportunities for them to get the experiences we want them to have--not just things like piano lessons, but experiences with failing something and getting back up again. Or missing a deadline and suffering the consequences. This is our job as their parents, and we can't be fooled by the desire to just build their self-esteem and helping them get good grades and allow them to miss out on the experiences they will need to survive in the real world.
• Christensen describes companies that focus on expressly creating a company culture--which can be so strong that eventually all employees in that company will follow the same procedures just by knowing that this is what we do at this company. Similarly, we should try to deliberately and consciously create our own culture for our family and our children, because then kids will know, "This is the way our family behaves." You need to decide what characteristics you want to encourage in your family, and those elements become your family culture--which will then help you focus on what activities you want to choose as a family, and what goals you have to accomplish. He says, "Make no mistake: a culture happens, whether you want it to or not. The only question is how hard you are going to try to influence it" (169). 

All of these ideas, plus several more about the overall goal from the book in the epilogue, have been very thought-provoking and motivating for me. The thing that really was emphasized to me, and which I know and have thought a lot about in the past, but which is hard to follow through on, is how important it is to be conscious and deliberate about my choices in all aspects of my life. It is so easy to let everything slip when I'm not feeling well or when I'm tired (like when I've been pregnant or with an infant), but since we want to have several more children, I can't just let 10 years slip by without deciding deliberately about how I want to spend my time and what decision we want to make about our life. I hope that I can get Tommy to read this book next so we can have some serious discussions about things and maybe make some overall goals we can work towards together.

Books #20-22: Fitzwilliam Darcy, Gentleman trilogy by Pamela Aidan

Tommy and I were sitting down to watch something the other night and couldn't decide on anything until we somehow came to the classic Pride and Prejudice miniseries and watched that over a couple of nights. And naturally, that made me want to get into a Pride and Prejudice reading kick, so I pulled out this trilogy that I liked when I read it a few years ago. I am not really going to even bother trying to come up with any thoughts about it, except that I didn't really enjoy the second novel (which covers the period in P&P when Darcy and Elizabeth are separated and makes up this whole weird mystery). These were a total pleasure read, and I definitely enjoyed the process. I am going to find some more similar P&P stuff to read soon.

Book #19: Things I Wish I'd Known Sooner: Personal Discoveries of a Mother of Twelve

This book looked kind of old and maybe like it would be out of date, but I took it from my parents' bookshelf anyways, because who isn't curious about how a mom of 12 kids did/does it? I thought it would be interesting, if maybe not all that good--maybe this lady had twelve kids, but did she really know how to write? But it turned out that it was beautifully written and that the author wrote five or six novels before writing this book, which made it even more compelling to read from start to finish. I read a lot of it while exercising at the gym yesterday, and it was such an affirming, strengthening read for someone in my stage of life and being a mother. One of the most powerful parts of the book was at the beginning when she talked about how it was like to decide to be a stay-at-home mom with lots of kids in the seventies when the women's rights movement was going on, and how she felt so strongly that she was supposed to be a mom and be there raising her kids. People talked about how women shouldn't be restricted to only "dirty diapers and dirty dishes"--which she says is the lowest common denominator of what being a mom is really like, and they made it seem like that's all it was. But she then thought a lot about it and how changing diapers really is a huge part of a mom's job, because that's one time when the mom and baby bond and spend time looking at each other and the mom sings to or entertains the baby, so it is really important for moms (or dads) to be the one doing that instead of leaving it for someone else. I really liked that idea and I tend to agree--I think it is really, really important for the mom to be home and to be the one bonding with and raising and doing even those seemingly menial tasks with her kids.

One other thing she said really stuck out to me: "My present life as a mother has three profound purposes. (This aside from the relationship with my husband, which is my dearest and consistent preoccupation.) The first is to fulfill all my obligations of love, as I understand them. The second is to educate my children--educate in the broadest sense, not just by helping them achieve skill and success in school, but by giving them a sense of awareness, responsibility, and joy. By far, the greatest amount of my time is spent in this endeavor. Third is my responsibility to give the best possible physical care to children and home. If any of these three purposes is neglected, the balance and richness of our family is impaired" (25). I think those three/four purposes are so important. But many people put so much more emphasis on the third purpose than on the other two. I also think I have spent a lot of time just "killing time" with my kids, going to parks and trying to get through the day, instead of really trying to spend it doing constructive things--or even not constructive things, but truly enjoying my time with them. In the next paragraph she described how she picks up things throughout the day and does beds and dishes, and they all do chores once a week to fully clean the house, but the rest of the time, no real cleaning is done because "the center of the day is too important to spend on unenduring things" so she can spend that time with her little kids reading, doing projects, visiting friends, gardening, or singing. I loved that. And I want to change my attitude that I've had of just trying to get through the day and make it more enjoyable (which I think is easier now that I have a kid old enough to actually learn things and interact with me on a more obvious basis).

I feel like there wasn't probably a realistic representation of how stressful or crazy twelve kids probably really was--it sounded like just a ton of fun and like piling twelve kids in the van to go to the beach took no time at all. It almost made me feel worried that I wasn't doing enough and there was more I could do to be a better mom, since this woman was apparently Super Mom. But I know that it's not really possible to compare her life with 12 kids with mine with 2, and hers probably looked a lot like mine with two kids. And in all, that didn't really detract from my enjoyment of the book. This is something that I will want to read again and again, I think.

Also, I realized after reading it that the author, Jaroldeen Edwards, wrote a note in the front to my mom talking about how she loved my dad as a kid and how they had such beautiful children. And apparently she was my dad's seminary teacher in Connecticut and he was friends with one of her sons. That made it even more interesting and personal to read.

Book #18: Life's Lessons Learned by Dallin H. Oaks

I took this book from my parents' house while I was helping them pack up to move, and I read it yesterday. It was very short, and each chapter was only about 3-4 pages, which made it move along even faster. Each chapter was basically just Elder Oaks sharing specific personal experiences where he learned important principles of the gospel and how he knows those to be true, starting with his father's death and what he learned from that and going through his life as a lawyer, President of BYU, and then his calling as an apostle. So there wasn't really a connected story throughout the book; each chapter had its own "life lesson" (as expected from the title) and what things he thought were important enough to share. I liked best learning about his life and when he was sharing candidly about the things he has done in his life and about his family. It was very interesting hearing about his wife dying and how his children handled that, and how they eventually suggested that he go get married again, and learning about how his mom recovered from her husband dying and starting to take care of her family again. I think that the format of this book really emphasizes that we are all made up of our individual experiences, and we learn what we know just by what we go through. So everyone has their own individual testimonies and opinions and ideas, and they can't imagine why people would see it differently--but it's just because we've all gone through totally different things. Elder Oaks went through these specific things in his life that taught him these principles of the gospel and of life, and he's now sharing how he knew those things with us. Each chapter was individually powerful and good, but when you read too many of them in a row it starts to blend together. I feel like they would be more powerful if you considered them just on their own.