Book #7: Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates

This book was only 150 pages but it felt longer, deeper, harder to get through. Coates is writing the story of what he's learned about being black in America, to his son. So this is an intimate letter about all of the difficulties and struggles he has gone through, and their whole people has gone through, as a result of the "Dreamers" (as he calls them, the "people who think they are white") in America. His main theory is that being black means that you are always in danger of losing control of your body, whether by being killed or attacked or raped or enslaved, and all of that goes back to the centuries of slavery in America when Africans were being kidnapped and stolen and taken across the Atlantic. America as it is today is built on the backs of these actions, and the white American Dream is only possible today because of how it excludes those they think are black (because race is a social construct) and is built on the history of slavery and violence against this whole group of people.

His writing about his fears for his safety is so strong and illuminates so well the difference between someone with my upbringing in a privileged, white home. He grew up in a violent neighborhood and wrote about the moment he realized that his life could end at any time, just depending on if someone else decided to shoot him--whether another gang member or a police officer (because it could be either). His son is clearly growing up with a much safer experience, but, as Michael Brown and Trayvon Martin and Eric Garner make clear, Coates knows that his son, by virtue of his body, still has to realize that these same fears still have to apply to him. He says that the white policemen/men who kill these black men are just the manifestations of the centuries of views of what "white" people have towards them.

It's hard to read this as someone who falls directly into the class of "the Dreamers." A white person who has been so privileged and who lives the ideal life in a suburban neighborhood with a yard and a minivan, and who has never feared for the safety of my body. I can't even imagine having to worry about teaching my sons about the need to fear for their bodies, like Coates is doing here. On the one hand, I can't help feeling grateful that I am safe and so is my family, but I also feel ashamed that my safety and security is in spite of the lack thereof for others (or, as Coates might say, at their expense). I wish he offered more of a solution, but I think that is part of his point. There's not one solution that one person could offer up as a pat answer in a few pages at the end of his book. He doesn't make it sound hopeful at the end or even focus on any hope gained throughout the history of "progress" since slavery ended. It's just the way it is, and as it is, he and his son need to be more aware of and more careful with their bodies, and to learn how to live in a country and home that expects you to have to do that.

Book #6: Mistborn: The Final Empire by Brandon Sanderson

Oh man. I can't believe I haven't read more Brandon Sanderson before last year. It is just so enjoyable and so much fun to get into the worlds he has created. Mistborn is the start of a trilogy, about a group of peasants and con men rising up to take over the tyrannical and immortal Lord Ruler of their empire. One of the main characters is Vin, a young street urchin who has spent her life cowering in street corners and trying not to die. She is discovered eventually to be a Mistborn, meaning that she has Allomantic powers, where she can burn metals inside her and use them to do all sorts of magical things. She becomes part of the crew that is training to overthrow the Empire, and her whole life changes. By the end of the book, the rebellion happens, along with all sorts of dramatic things (like the death of the Lord Ruler)--but it's unsure where things are going to go from there (leading on to the next sequel!).

I really enjoyed this book. Just like The Way of Kings by Sanderson, it took me a few chapters to get into it and to really understand what was going on. But I think that's probably how all fantasy books work, since there's a whole world that you need to be introduced to. Once I got into it, though, I was super happy about it and very invested in the plot, which moved really quickly and kept me hooked the whole time. My one complaint was that maybe the characters weren't as well developed in this book as they were in The Way of Kings. I know that the other books are bigger, heavier, and meant to be a whole epic ten-book series, which gives a lot more space for character development. But I was not quite believing how Vin could change so rapidly from a terrified, untrusting, abandoned orphan street urchin to fitting in so well with the new crew as she did. She did struggle for a little bit, but the transition seemed to happen way more quickly than it probably should have to overcome her previous ENTIRE LIFE. I also was a little annoyed with the romantic storyline about Vin and her nobleman, Elend, she falls in love with. They met like twice and they both were totally interested in the other? It just seems a little too convenient and not quite believable to me. It was the sort of quick romance you only read about in books, which is to say, not uncommon in books and not an absolutely terrible thing about this book, but not something that sold me on it. Elend had basically no personality in this book either--I couldn't really figure out what he was about or why Vin was so interested in him.

Regardless, I am definitely heading on to read the other two books in the trilogy next. There is apparently another trilogy--or set of four books, whatever that would be called--set in the same world, but just a couple of centuries later, but we'll see if I enjoy these books enough to sign up to read another four books on the same thing. I have so many other things on my to-read list.

Book #5: No-Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

I don't remember where I heard about this book, but even though they're kind of annoying, I find parenting books to be pretty interesting these days. Usually when I'm reading a parenting book, I'm half-irritated with the broad claims that they're making and with imagining myself to be becoming a non-thinking obsessive follower of this parenting cult that the authors are espousing. But then I'm also very aware of the flaws that I have as a parent (usually stemming from being too quick to react and get mad) so I'd be happy to get any sort of help with stemming the tide of bad feelings or conflicts between me and our one parentable child at this point. I speed-read (past tense) this book over the last few days because I didn't feel like it was worth the energy to deeply peruse it, but there were definitely some excellent points that I (or anyone) could use if they are so inclined.

The point of this book is to help parents move away from a traditional, punitive view of discipline and to get them thinking about discipline as a teaching maneuver instead. When you're responding to a conflict or a negative interaction with your child, instead of getting angry, sending them to a time-out, or doling out punishments, you should first connect with your child and then redirect their attention towards repairing the problem. Make it a teaching moment instead of a scary punishment. As I was reading this, I couldn't help thinking, over and over again, just, "Well, yeah..." because it all sounds like a pretty self-explanatory, "in an ideal world" concept. The whole reason why parents don't calmly and lovingly respond to every fight or conflict is because they lose their tempers, right? So just telling us to not lose our tempers isn't really going to help, right? But I guess thinking about the reasoning about why "connecting and redirecting" is better might be motivational. (It's better because when kids are acting out, it's usually more of a cry for help or a need for love and attention more than it is an attempt to be bad, and because their brains aren't fully developed and need guidance to help them become fully working humans. And it's better because it's more effective.)

I was annoyed with some parts, like this: "Ultimately, our job is to give unconditional love and calm presence to our kids even when they're at their worst. Especially when they're at their worst." Okay, no pressure there. Let's always be calm and loving and never lose our tempers. But honestly, the authors were pretty open and acknowledging of the fact that nobody's perfect and that we all make mistakes. They had a couple of great stories as an appendix of some of their own greatest parenting fails. And there was some great information in there, which I mostly thought was great because I've seen the success with it in some of my best parenting moments of late with Dane--which stand out to me because of their stark contrast with all of the much-more-common not-so-great parenting moments.

• One of the best ways to connect with kids--and to de-escalate a situation--is to get down on their level instead of towering over them angrily. It helps them to not feel threatened or in trouble and it can help you to calm down and catch your breath. Just today, I was frustrated with Dane for peeing on the floor (and not telling me about it) and at first I was standing over him talking kind of angrily, but when I bent down and looked him in the eye and said, "Buddy, I'm not mad--but please tell me if you that happens again," he immediately stopped arguing with me. I can and should do this more often. 
• "The bottom line is that we can be intentional about the verbal and nonverbal messages we're sending, especially when we're trying to connect with our children in a difficult moment." I think this is what it all comes down to--acting intentionally instead of just letting the emotions of the moment carry us and our actions. That's what we're trying to keep them from doing when we stop a tantrum, right? So we need to not go into tantrums ourselves.
• "Just pause. Allow yourself to take a breath. Avoid reacting, issuing consequences, or even lecturing in the heat of the moment." I realized this a few years ago, but I still have trouble with putting it into action. I can do it maybe half of the time. Things work so much better when I do and when I stop myself from throwing my adult temper tantrums.
• Allow your kids to be involved in the process of discipline. Let them come up with the solutions to the problem. When you do, kids feel more respected, they're more likely to comply with the solutions and apt to cooperate, and things go a lot smoother. I've done this a few times with Dane, even at only 3, and it really makes him feel like a grown-up. Even when doing his New Year's Resolutions, which were mostly suggestions from Tommy and I, really made him feel like he was contributing. And I can refer to that now and say, "Do you remember how one of your goals was to try to obey? Do you think you can try to do that more now?"
• Use a conditional yes instead of a no. I do this all the time. "Yes, let's have some fruit snacks after lunch!" It works like a charm. Most of the time.
• Focus on the positive, emphasize what you do want them to do instead of what you don't want them to do. When I keep this in mind, I am so much more likely to get Dane on board with me. When we allow things to devolve into negatives, he starts pushing back more and more until it's just terrible. 
• Creative approaches are crucial. I have thought about this so much lately. I used to just rage at problems until they would go away--or not go away. Like Dane's naps. I used to get so mad when he wouldn't nap. But there's no amount of getting mad that would actually solve that problem. If I want to actually make that problem better, I need to approach it differently. I recently got really creative with solving our current nap issue. Dane has stopped napping altogether, which is fine--I still have him go into his room and have "naptime" on his bed. He falls asleep maybe once a week. The rest of the time I let him read books and tell himself stories. But for the last week or two he was yelling for me nonstop (because he's been well-trained not to leave his bed), which was making me so mad. Getting mad at him won't stop him yelling though--so I changed the rules and told him he could come out if he needed to go potty. I got him MnM rewards if he went potty before his nap instead of during it. And I gave him a clock in his room so he knows when he's done and he doesn't need to yell for me constantly. And the last few days, it's been working perfectly. I know we'll need future adjustments, but I feel so much more prepared for facing issues like these now. I can handle it because I know it usually just takes me trying from a different angle.