The point of this book is to help parents move away from a traditional, punitive view of discipline and to get them thinking about discipline as a teaching maneuver instead. When you're responding to a conflict or a negative interaction with your child, instead of getting angry, sending them to a time-out, or doling out punishments, you should first connect with your child and then redirect their attention towards repairing the problem. Make it a teaching moment instead of a scary punishment. As I was reading this, I couldn't help thinking, over and over again, just, "Well, yeah..." because it all sounds like a pretty self-explanatory, "in an ideal world" concept. The whole reason why parents don't calmly and lovingly respond to every fight or conflict is because they lose their tempers, right? So just telling us to not lose our tempers isn't really going to help, right? But I guess thinking about the reasoning about why "connecting and redirecting" is better might be motivational. (It's better because when kids are acting out, it's usually more of a cry for help or a need for love and attention more than it is an attempt to be bad, and because their brains aren't fully developed and need guidance to help them become fully working humans. And it's better because it's more effective.)
I was annoyed with some parts, like this: "Ultimately, our job is to give unconditional love and calm presence to our kids even when they're at their worst. Especially when they're at their worst." Okay, no pressure there. Let's always be calm and loving and never lose our tempers. But honestly, the authors were pretty open and acknowledging of the fact that nobody's perfect and that we all make mistakes. They had a couple of great stories as an appendix of some of their own greatest parenting fails. And there was some great information in there, which I mostly thought was great because I've seen the success with it in some of my best parenting moments of late with Dane--which stand out to me because of their stark contrast with all of the much-more-common not-so-great parenting moments.
- One of the best ways to connect with kids--and to de-escalate a situation--is to get down on their level instead of towering over them angrily. It helps them to not feel threatened or in trouble and it can help you to calm down and catch your breath. Just today, I was frustrated with Dane for peeing on the floor (and not telling me about it) and at first I was standing over him talking kind of angrily, but when I bent down and looked him in the eye and said, "Buddy, I'm not mad--but please tell me if you that happens again," he immediately stopped arguing with me. I can and should do this more often.
- "The bottom line is that we can be intentional about the verbal and nonverbal messages we're sending, especially when we're trying to connect with our children in a difficult moment." I think this is what it all comes down to--acting intentionally instead of just letting the emotions of the moment carry us and our actions. That's what we're trying to keep them from doing when we stop a tantrum, right? So we need to not go into tantrums ourselves.
- "Just pause. Allow yourself to take a breath. Avoid reacting, issuing consequences, or even lecturing in the heat of the moment." I realized this a few years ago, but I still have trouble with putting it into action. I can do it maybe half of the time. Things work so much better when I do and when I stop myself from throwing my adult temper tantrums.
- Allow your kids to be involved in the process of discipline. Let them come up with the solutions to the problem. When you do, kids feel more respected, they're more likely to comply with the solutions and apt to cooperate, and things go a lot smoother. I've done this a few times with Dane, even at only 3, and it really makes him feel like a grown-up. Even when doing his New Year's Resolutions, which were mostly suggestions from Tommy and I, really made him feel like he was contributing. And I can refer to that now and say, "Do you remember how one of your goals was to try to obey? Do you think you can try to do that more now?"
- Use a conditional yes instead of a no. I do this all the time. "Yes, let's have some fruit snacks after lunch!" It works like a charm. Most of the time.
- Focus on the positive, emphasize what you do want them to do instead of what you don't want them to do. When I keep this in mind, I am so much more likely to get Dane on board with me. When we allow things to devolve into negatives, he starts pushing back more and more until it's just terrible.
- Creative approaches are crucial. I have thought about this so much lately. I used to just rage at problems until they would go away--or not go away. Like Dane's naps. I used to get so mad when he wouldn't nap. But there's no amount of getting mad that would actually solve that problem. If I want to actually make that problem better, I need to approach it differently. I recently got really creative with solving our current nap issue. Dane has stopped napping altogether, which is fine--I still have him go into his room and have "naptime" on his bed. He falls asleep maybe once a week. The rest of the time I let him read books and tell himself stories. But for the last week or two he was yelling for me nonstop (because he's been well-trained not to leave his bed), which was making me so mad. Getting mad at him won't stop him yelling though--so I changed the rules and told him he could come out if he needed to go potty. I got him MnM rewards if he went potty before his nap instead of during it. And I gave him a clock in his room so he knows when he's done and he doesn't need to yell for me constantly. And the last few days, it's been working perfectly. I know we'll need future adjustments, but I feel so much more prepared for facing issues like these now. I can handle it because I know it usually just takes me trying from a different angle.
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