The Secrets of Happy Families by Bruce Feiler

This was a book I didn't expect to get so invested in. This is a parenting book that's not based on advice from therapists, but based on research about what works and how to make your family as happy as possible. I didn't feel like much of this information was brand new--I've definitely heard it all before--but it was really well-organized and really easily accessible, and I highlighted a bunch of sections that I wanted to remember. I wanted to write them all down here so I can refer back to this... since I just read this as an e-book from the library. 

-Family Meetings! Super helpful to allow your family to adapt and improve on a weekly basis. Three questions to ask: 

1. What things went well in our family this week?

2. What things could we improve in our family?

3. What things will you commit to working on this week?

-Agile Family Manifesto:

1. Solutions exist.

2. Empower the children. Allow kids to have a say in setting their goals each week and decide on their own punishments/consequences. 

3. Parents aren't invincible. 

4. Create a safe zone. 

5. Build in flexibility. 

-Build in a family narrative. The most healthful narrative is the oscillating family narrative: we've had our ups and downs, we had setbacks, but no matter what else happened, we always stuck together as a family. Kids who can answer the questions in the "Do You Know" scale are better adjusted and happier.

-Family dinner is the ideal time to give kids this family history. Ideas: 10-50-1. 10 minutes of quality talk per meal. Let your kids talk at least 50% of the time. Teach your kids 1 new word every meal, playing simple vocabulary games. Have autobiography night; have the kids tell you stories from their own past. Word game night: thesaurus night, alliteration game, fill in the blank, what's the difference between...

-Have a family mission statement. Keep it short, make it a memorable experience coming up with it, post it in a prominent place. Decide what are your family values (he has a list of 80 in the book) and which you want to emphasize the most.

What words best describe our family?

What is most important to our family?

What are our strengths as a family?

What sayings best capture our family?

"Creating a family identity is the collective equivalent of imagining your best possible self. It forces you to conceive, construct, then put in a public place a written ideal of what you want your family to be."

-Talking about money. All couples should have quarterly meetings to discuss financial matters. Talk about money with your kids and have it be an ongoing conversation. 

-Handling conflict. Teach your kids to think about yourself first. What did you do? Be curious about the other person and what they're feeling. Apologize. Have the conversation or you'll be handling conflict for the rest of your life. 

-Marriage relationship: Try something novel with your partner, go on double dates. 

-Spaces: Kids need their own personal, private space. They love to create "secret" hideouts like clubhouses. 

-Vacations: Making a vacation into an "amazing race" style game with points for accomplishing certain tasks. Send them on "missions" to accomplish things and keep them excited. 

Biggest points:

Adapt all the time. 

Talk a lot. 

Go out and play.